Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
