Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I wish there were birth control emojis
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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