Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
he quoted the bible to break up with me
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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