at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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