I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
