I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
