just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
