Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
