who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
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