how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I wish there were birth control emojis
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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