my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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