Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize