We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
