even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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