Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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