but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
FUCK WHALES
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
