the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
