please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
