I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Someone shattered a urinal.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Randomize
