I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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