i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize