I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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