I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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