You're my little dorito
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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