You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
My vagina is officially offended.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
