dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
