He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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