I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
