My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I still have a little drunk in my system
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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