Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize