I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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