i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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