3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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