I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
