Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
