There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
