My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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