I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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