I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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