I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
