I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
