Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
