So drunk, too bad you don't want this
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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