I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
