new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
