I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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