Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Randomize