The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
