A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
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