I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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