They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
