____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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