he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
