the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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