it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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