singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
