Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
