i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
