I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
