I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
