im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize