this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
you have to choose: penises or morals?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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