just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
