guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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