I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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