Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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